One Year

 Where there is deep grief, there was great love.

On the anniversary of my mom's death, naturally, I had to be with my dad. I went to visit him and it was really nice to spend some quiet time together. We sat and talked for long periods, cooked dinner together, ate at several restaurants that my mom enjoyed, watched a pretty bad movie, went to Mass and to visit her grave, and met up with a friend of his for hot chocolate. We planned to go for a hike as well, but ran out of time, so instead we visited a Civil War site that was interesting and well maintained. We'll save the hike for my next visit.

I'm not eloquent enough to put the enormity of my feelings into words. But I think of my mom a hundred times a day. I hardly ever talk about her, not because I don't miss her terribly or feel her absence keenly, but because it's impossible to keep my composure. I think she would be happy if she saw how we were doing: the grandkids are happy and healthy; we all continue to stay close and spend a lot of time together; my dad is active and social, and visits us often. I feel her presence around me all the time, because she's such a part of who I am. We were so blessed to have had her.

Farewell Grandma Jean

At 103 and four months, Grandma Jean passed away. At her age, it wasn't a surprise, but it's always sad to say goodbye to someone we love. She was also ready to go. "I'm ready for my wings," she would tell us frequently.

We traveled to Connecticut for the funeral. We've been living in a temporary house while our leak damage is fixed, so I don't have appropriately somber clothes for the kids to wear to the service. But thankfully some friends came through with outfits they could borrow.

All Grandma Jean's surviving grandchildren were there, and the men served as pallbearers (Jack stood in for his mom Kelley, and Aidan stood in for his dad Bill Jr). MJ and I spread the pall on the casket, and our three kids brought up the gifts during the Offertory. I think attending the funeral was hard for them, considering how recently they'd sat through their own grandmother's funeral. CC, especially, was very emotional; she had always felt particularly close to Grandma Jean. I was also touched that Sally and Fran chose a picture I took of Grandma Jean back in 2016 for the obituary and the program.

The only nice part about this sad occasion is that we got to see family members we don't see nearly as often as we'd like, including Abby, Anna, Aunt Kelly, and cousin Carol. We also got to meet Brian's new wife, Katie, who seems pretty great.

(Little Man wore a suit for the funeral, but in these pics he'd already changed into his comfy clothes to go to the airport. I regret not getting a rare picture of him in a suit!)

We miss you, Grandma Jean! We're so thankful that we were able to visit you just a few months ago. We pray that you are at peace and with your loved ones who went before you.

Until We Meet Again

It's still so hard for me to wrap my brain around this new reality.

On January 20th, we were down in Atlanta to watch the National Championship game: Notre Dame vs Ohio State. We were so excited! And even better, Memere and Pepere were there, plus Uncle Jon and Dane. 

The night before, we'd gone to the pep rally to watch the band play and see the festivities. My parents met us there and we were all smiles. It was crowded, so we didn't stay long -- we knew we'd be at the game together the next day. We hugged good bye and said we loved each other. That was the last time I talked to my mom.

The next day, while getting ready for the game in their hotel room, my mom suffered an aortic dissection and collapsed to the floor, unresponsive. My dad called 911 and rushed her to the hospital. He called me and Jon, and we called Patrick.

Together, we made the awful, agonizing, terrible decision not to pursue extreme measures to keep my mom alive. It was such a gut-wrenching thing to consider, and even worse to say out loud. But we knew it wouldn't be what my mom wanted, and there was little chance she would survive even if the doctors tried everything.

Jon and I raced to the hospital in an Uber. Thank God for MJ -- he stayed with the kids. Patrick started driving to Atlanta, and we all prayed he'd arrive in time.

He did. For several hours that night, we were all together one last time. My mom was comfortable and lay quietly in her hospital bed while we sat with her and took turns holding her hands. A priest visited the room to pray with us and give a special blessing to my mom.

I whispered in her ear, telling her how much I loved her, how I wasn't ready to say good-bye to her. I prayed the rosary with her, the beads intertwined between our fingers. And I told her that I'm the person I am -- and the mother I am -- because of her. 

I'm so glad we're the type of family to not leave anything left unsaid. We've always been very open about saying "I love you." So she knew how much we all loved her, and we knew how much she loved us. That was such a blessing to me in that hospital room: knowing that I'd told her what a wonderful mother she was, that we'd spent so much special time together, shared so much and had so many wonderful memories. There are no regrets.

Eventually the hospice staff removed the breathing tube. My mom looked so peaceful. We hugged each other in a tight circle around her as the beeping of the machines slowed and then stopped. It was so surreal, and it felt really wrong to leave. We all drove back to our respective hotels. It was after 2am, but kids were waiting up for me, and I had to tell them that their Memere was gone. I lay in the hotel bed and sobbed while MJ held me tightly. 

How can she be gone?? She was so alive and such an important part of my life. How can it be that I'll never speak to her again?

The next morning I drove back to our house with my dad, while MJ drove the kids in our car. From there my dad and I drove to his house, and I stayed for a few days. We took care of some awful but necessary things, like informing all her friends, picking out her gravesite, and making all the arrangements with the funeral home. Jon and Patrick each came to visit and spend time with my dad, too.

The funeral was three weeks later. I was touched by the outpouring of support our family received from all the various communities my mom belonged to: church, neighborhood, book club, friends. Kris, Carol, Linda and Tina all came, and I am so grateful. And through it all, MJ held everything together at home for almost a month while I was completely out of commission, either out of town or sick in bed with flu and a bad eye infection. I am so thankful to have him.

And now we all have to adjust to our world without her. I know without a doubt that she went straight to heaven, and that I'll see her again someday. But it's really, really hard.

Farewell to Matt

Last weekend my family traveled to New Jersey to pay our respects to Matt, and be with family as we mourned. Like the pastor said, now he is at peace, and there are no more demons. I took a long walk on the shore, feeling peaceful, thinking about him. And I marveled at how different a beach on the same ocean can look, in different parts of the country. I picked a few shells to bring home for the kids, because they're much different than the types of shells the kids are used to seeing.

It was good to be with my mom's family, even for such a sad occasion. As Matt would have preferred, no one wore suits to the service, many people wore tie-dye, and the reception was a huge party. Hundreds of people turned out, from our (fairly conservative) family, to long, grey-haired Harley riders, to women with hair every color of the rainbow. And for several hours that afternoon, there was a raging tailgate going on in the parking lot of the funeral home.

We also realized something over the weekend -- it was just the five of us. That almost never happens anymore! It was a throwback to the past, sharing a rental car and hotel rooms for the weekend. The original Party of Five.

Be Thou at Peace

Over the weekend, my young cousin Matt unexpectedly passed away. I'll be traveling to New Jersey with my parents and brothers to attend the funeral this weekend. My prayers and my heart are with his parents, brother and sister. 

Photo Friday

Forever in our Hearts

"Once you have had a wonderful dog, 

a life without one is a life diminished."

- Dean Koontz

We said goodbye to Rory on Monday. Her back legs had been weakening progressively over the last months, and when she could no longer get up on Sunday, we knew it was time.

I was so grateful that her final day with us was sunny and warm. Rory never did like the rain or cold. She spent her last afternoon resting in the backyard sun while the kids ran and played, and we loved on her with treats and kisses and scratches behind her ears. MJ carried her up to our room that night, so she could sleep near us like she has every night since she was a puppy.

Monday morning we read her the book Dog Heaven, and the kids agreed that Rory's heaven would have endless kitchen counters full of food for her to steal.

Rory's 13 years with us spanned our wedding, four cross-country moves, and three children. She swiped countless sandwiches, shredded untold diapers, and stalked sunbeams around the house. She was our first baby, and I can't believe she is gone. Our hearts and our house are empty without her.

August 31, 2003 - March 20, 2017

Rest in peace, sweet girl. 

Rest in Peace, Uncle Joe

Today I'm in New Jersey to attend my Uncle Joe's funeral. My heart breaks for my cousin Raymond, who already said goodbye to my Auntie Sue when he was just a boy, and now is burying his dad.

For all the sorrow of a funeral, it was also nice to see Ray and my other cousins, my mom, and my aunts and uncles. There were plenty of laughs, stories of Joe, and pictures of the family over the years.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, 

and may perpetual light shine upon him. 

May he rest in peace.

Out of the Mouths of Babes ...

I was reluctant to tell the kids about their Great-Pepere's passing, because honestly I didn't think I could do it without crying, and they might get scared if they saw me cry. But as it happened, I had to tell CC, because the funeral is going to be on her birthday. Which means I will not be here on her birthday. 

So while we were in the car yesterday, as casually as I could, I broke the news.

"Why? Where will you be?" she asked.

"Remember how we visited my Pepere, and he was sick? Well, he's up in Heaven with God now, so all the grown-ups are getting together to have a special Mass for him. It's called a funeral, and it's going to be on Tuesday. So I'll come home late that night, and we'll celebrate your birthday on Wednesday instead. Won't that be fun?"

Silence.

"Okay, Mommy. Are you sad?"

Deep breath. "Yes, I'm sad, and Memere's sad too, but we're also happy because now he's with God, and he's so happy."

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Now he's not sick anymore!"

I was surprised. "You're exactly right, CC. He feels great! Isn't that wonderful?"

"And he doesn't need surgery! He has a whole new life now."

Goodness. I don't know where she came up with that, but she summed it up perfectly. A conversation I thought would be emotional ended up making me laugh with wonder. She's said it several times since then -- about him having a whole new life with God now -- and I marvel at the innocent wisdom of her words.

Good bye, Pepere

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

Psalms 116:15

Today, I'm trying to be thankful.

I'm thankful that I got to see my Pepere so recently. I'm thankful that he got to meet his great-grandchildren. I'm thankful that we were able to have him for 93 years. I'm thankful that he's with the Lord now. I'm thankful that he's not feeling sick, or weak, or struggling for breath anymore. I'm thankful that he's reunited with my Memere, Auntie Cheryl, Auntie Sue, and Uncle David. 

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, 

and let perpetual light shine upon him.

May he rest in peace.

Farewell, Bill

Today my heart is in Ohio, where MJ and his family have gathered to mourn the death of MJ's cousin Bill.  Bill died unexpectedly last week of complications from diabetes.  Most heartbreaking is that he leaves three young children behind.

I am home alone with the kids yesterday and today while MJ attends the viewing and funeral.  I wish I could hug Bill's brothers and sister and children, tell them how much I enjoyed the times I spent with Bill, and let them know how much I'm thinking of and praying for them.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen

Remembering Robert

Today my prayers go out to my sister-in-law, who lost her father last night.  I can't imagine what she and her family are going through right now, but my thoughts are with them.